When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons