10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do