So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now