More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
You Might Also Like
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I鈥檓 so old that if I was a Care Bear, I鈥檇 be Medicare Bear.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I鈥檝e never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler鈥檚 mouth.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don鈥檛 actually know what you said yes to
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
He died doing what he loved: being alive
13: so I鈥檒l only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: 鈽狅笍鈽狅笍鈽狅笍 馃槀 SEASONAL it鈥檚 seasonal asthma
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 馃ぃ
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn鈥檛 do anything
Me: I鈥檓 going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
twitter is a journey