– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Great game to play with friends
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week