Someone just threatened to call me later
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?