ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Velcrow
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti