*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.