Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My flabber has been gasted.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.