If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Bless you
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow