the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.