Fat chances are my favorite chances
You Might Also Like
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I already tried new things thanks.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?