I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The first one, obviously
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?