I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
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I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Going into Monday like
Swedish for common sense.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The Joker was right
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.