i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss