My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
You Might Also Like
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Cats are still liquid.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”