Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.