My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”