Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.