Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Somebody’s lying.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.