2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
new wife guy just dropped
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Your secret is safeish with me
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!