If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You Might Also Like
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I wanna be friends with this person
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling