I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Facebook memories be like
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
How times have changed.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?