My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.