GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.