Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
What’s a Messi?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?