*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You Might Also Like
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
new record!
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
…u ok Nintendo?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges