The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
sigh
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Why is no one talking about this?!
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”