What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.