I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me My dog
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.