Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Come back with a warrant
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.