I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Best mom ever 😂
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Does it…does it take 3 days
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?