My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
That time Alicia messaged me
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.