The police never think its as funny as you do.
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”