When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
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My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Twitter is the new flypaper.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
HELP 😭