pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
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[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion