I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
that lip filler tho
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“What movie?” 🤔
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.