“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.