“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*