meow
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[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
North and South
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Body by sandwich.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.