The second world war should have been called world war returns
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
How all things should be taught/explained.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.