The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.