Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever