Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Lmfaoooooo