I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
how to have an accident 101
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?