Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I love you…
…r dog.
Worth remembering.