Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?