Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned