This is the coolest video you will see today.
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Awwwww shit.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.