This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Are you ok, human???
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.